Classified & Personal Ads from Newspapers Now Extinct

From — The Domrémy Times June 18, 1427:

Single, spirited and ever so slightly aggressive young French girl seeks a possible relationship with a supportive and progressive minded male. If your idea of fun and romance are flowers, poetry and quiet walks by The Muse River, you need not apply. However if the thought of besieging an impregnable English fortress with a broadsword in one hand and the will of God in one’s heart sound appealing to you, then read on.

Are you seeking a woman who has visions and hears voices (all of which are spiritually pure), if so, I just might be the right girl for you. I also enjoy, constructing crossbows, preparing French cuisine from the Lorraine region and placing crowns on young French monarchs. If a relationship with a young maid determined to liberate France and obey the will of God resonates with you please write to —Joan c/o Jacques and Isabelle d’Arc, PO Box 1412 Domrémy France.

Special Note —Burgundians, plague victims and non-believers need not apply.

From —The Paleolithic Post — April 10^th – 15,000 BCE

Lonely cave painter from Southern France seeks companionship. Do you love art? Do you enjoy exploring deep dark holes on the side of hills? My name is Unk and for the last ten years I have been creating provocative and intelligent images from the Dordogne to the Cele. I have a show opening soon in Lascaux and it will run for the next two moons. I’m far beyond the Bison and Horse thing; that is so Lower Paleolithic.

My latest work is a nude holding an animal horn. I have taken the time to incise the horn with lines. Are the lines a lunar calendar or a women’s menstrual cycle? Come meet me and find out. All genders welcomed, especially anyone that wants to get under a Bison hide with me every night and keep me warm. Fire making skills are most welcomed. Also as far as the “hunter-gather” thing goes, I’d much rather paint, so you have to be OK with that. Love me and I’ll immortalize your image forever.

Come to Lascaux on the next Vernal Equinox and keep shouting my name around the cave, I’m bound to hear you. If not I’ll be the one with a great deal of chest hair and a slight dent in my cranium due to someone’s poor scaffolding work down at Pech-Merle.

From— Laocoön Times – April ^1st, 1183BCE

For Sale—One large hand made Wooden Horse created by Greek craftsman on the banks of the Agean Sea. This fifty foot high work of art is a glorious treasure to behold just on it’s own merits, but wait there’s more. Inside this handsomely sculptured equine is room for over thirty men and women, a perfect vehicle for weddings, funerals or any ritual concerning the goddesses Athena. Did I say vehicle? Yes this work of art is also portable as it sits proudly on four large hardwood wheels that will never chip or crack.

There are a few gauges in the surface, but this “Wasi-sabi” only adds to the character of the work. The new moon is almost upon us and we will soon be navigating the wine dark sea back to Ithaca. Just take a right passed the large flaming structure, go about a half a league on Rosy Fingers of Dawn Street and you’ll see the horse. Act now, this Bronze Age beauty is a one of a kind and won’t last long. Makes a wonderful and thoughtful gift. Odysseus, 1855 Cassandra Lane, Troy

From— The Dailey Nazarene April 8, 15 AD/CE:

Single, Aramaic Jewish male seeking companionship with a compassionate, patient, and understanding female. Must enjoy walking to various parts of Judea with a dozen or so men, spiritual discussions in the countryside, and witnessing miracles. I seem to have a very busy schedule these days, healing the sick and raising the dead but in between my visions and my teaching I get lonely. It’s no easy task trying to redeem mankind, especially with all those Romans around. In my spare time I make cabinets, chairs and small religious items.

My family life is somewhat of a challenge to most of my friends. My mother is a Saint but my father situation is somewhat challenging. Actually I have two Dad’s one who lives with my mom, and one who is somewhat distant, but we’ve worked it out and we all get along. Do you like to dine on wine, bread and fishes? If the answer is yes you’ll have ample amounts of all three as well as an opportunity to witness a large spiritual awakening both here in Judea and in the rest of the western world.

Send all scrolls to: Yeshua Ben Yosef 7010 Lower Galilee Lane, Nazereth, Judea.

From— The Neverland Herald – Forever & Ever

Single animated fairy seeks a grown up. I have spent the last century of my life waiting for a guy in a green suit to show up, and I now realize he will never Pan out. Due to my diminutive size (I’m a minus 10 petite) I can only hold one emotion at a time and yes I have some anger issues but can be loving and supportive as well.

Are you Pixie Dust tolerant? If the answer is yes then come fly with me and enjoy the earth from 1000 feet up as we soar through the heavens.

I work long hours at my job in Southern California but I find that I never run out of energy especially for the right person, fairy, troll or gnome. My bell is ringing…can you hear it? So don’t be a Lost Boy, look me up!

Please write to — Tink, PO Box 8888, Anaheim California.

From—Eden Reader –July 19^th, 4004BCE

We are a young couple looking to relocate to the east side after being evicted over an über stringent no fruit policy. Currently looking for a shame free facility overlooking the Euphrates for two adults and a reptile. I am presently out of work but collect disability due to the loss of a right rib and I also do some pruning (fig trees, apple trees etc) and tilling of the Earth. If our clothing optional lifestyle and my wife’s sweet tooth are not a problem we would like to move as soon as possible.

Adam 3:23 Genesis Lane, Earth

From—Sumarian Times –August 16^th, 2250BCE

Hi I’m a high priestess of the moon god Nanna and have composed over 42 hymns about Akkadian temples. The problem is I have no one to critique my work as apparently I have created this art form that one day will be called poetry. I like writing about my personal relationship with the goddess Inanna. Do you like to write about your inner life or the gods? My dad, King Sargon the Great said it would be ok for us to meet at his temple, especially when he’s out pillaging and destroying other cultures.

Don’t be shy, come over this Tuesday and we can work on some new verses and hymns about Inanna or any goddess that resonates with you. Remember to bring your own tablets and chisels and really think about what you’d like to say before transferring to stone. I’ll provide the wine.

Enheduanna – 86 Akked Lane, Ur

From— The Daily Thebes – June 6^th, 1330BCE

While it’s true I’m worshipped as a God and as a venerated Pharaoh in reality I’m just a lonely teenager with no one to have fun with. Does floating down the Nile under a full moon with a cool beer in your hand sound like a good time to you? I also love dancing, chanting and singing praise songs to the goddess Amun.

Everyone here at the temple is all wrapped up tighter then a mummy. I’m young I want to have fun and please don’t let the fact that I’m married to my half sister stand in your way, it doesn’t stand in mine. I know all the hot spots on the south side of town, and all the blues bars in Memphis and I also have a little lover’s hideaway in Luxor.

PS —I’ve been feeling a little funny as of late, I might be coming down with something, so write soon ok?

Send your tablets to—Tut, 1350 Valley of the Kings Road, Thebes

How Anne Baxter Changed My Religion

I had my first spiritual crisis at the age of eight. It was Passover 1956, our yearly ritual that was always held at my Bubbie’s apartment on Manhattan’s Lower East Side. I was turning a page of the illustrated Haggadah, a kind of a child’s guide to the Passover, when I found myself gazing straight into the face of the Angel of Death. She had long, wild hair, and she was descending from a darkened heaven and wielding a very foreboding scythe with both hands. It was on the same page as the four questions, and that’s where I came into the ritual. As the youngest child I had to read the questions. However, I was so fixated on the dark angel I could barley speak.

I knew the story well—Moses warned Pharaoh nine times before the big blow. In ascending order they were water to blood, a rain of frogs, lice, wild beasts, blight on livestock, boils, hail, locusts, and then the death of all the Egyptian firstborn. Staring at the Haggadah, all I could think was, “What kind of an angel would do that? I thought angels were sweet.”

After the plagues had been run by and the prayers had fallen silent, I piped up. My question probably came from a confluence of Seder wine and fear. I asked, “Why couldn’t God spare the Egyptian children too?”

My Uncle Samuel shook his head. “It’s part of the story, it’s always been that way.”

“Don’t take it so literally,” said uncle Max, “it’s a metaphor.”

My Aunt Esther added, “Try to view the spiritual side.

Yahweh loved the Hebrews so much He’d do anything to set them free.

My father, Solomon, commented, “God warned the Pharaoh with the previous nine plagues. He had plenty of time to think it over.”

Bubbie then spoke up. “There’s still chicken. Nobody’s eating it. Is there something wrong with the chicken?”

It made no sense to me, but I, like Jacob, often wrestled with God. I wrestled with many things growing up on the Lower East Side. I was constantly worried about breaking any of my parents’ numerous socialist taboos, like watching Walt Disney, who was antiunion, or eating any product made by John Welch, who was the founder of the John Birch Society. Besides my parents, danger lurked outside the apartment in the form of young men from the Catholic school, who held me personally responsible killing their Savior.

We had our pleasures, too. Baseball, comics, street games, television, and of course the movies. In those days there was only one big screen and the movie houses looked like great palaces. When a new movie opened it would play in just one theater. It was a major deal to go uptown and see a first-run film.

In October of 1956 the epic Cecil B. DeMille film The Ten Commandments was released, all three hours and forty minutes of it. It opened at the RKO Palace, and my best friends and I were determined to go and see the movie on the very first weekend.

On a crisp autumn afternoon my friends Izzy, Tony, and I boarded the 7^th avenue IRT with over two dollars in our pockets and incredible excitement in our hearts.We were not the most well-behaved young people but had made a pact with ourselves that we would refrain from our customary movie conduct.

Our usual movie behavior consisted of obnoxious noises like the hand-in-armpit fart sound. Izzy had that one down. We would also refrain from kicking seats, throwing popcorn boxes at the screen, and roaring with the MGM lion. We all agreed that getting kicked out of this movie would be a very stupid thing to do.

We got to the theater just a few minutes before they opened the doors, and there was a long line. We then performed our old trick of waiting for the line to just start moving and then slide in front of some older people who we knew wouldn’t complain too much. Once we got through the doors we ran into the theater and picked out some choice seats in the middle section just ten or so rows back. We then pooled the rest of our change and sent Izzy to get candy and cokes; we were all set.

Before the movie a chubby little man emerged from a curtain and onto the stage. He claimed to be a Bible scholar and told us that all we would see and hear was straight from the good book and historically accurate. Then the lights went down, the lion roared, and The Ten Commandments with its big brassy theme began. The three of us gazed in awe into the great colloid void.

We quickly learned that evil Ramses II (played by a bald and buff Yul Brynner) wanted to eliminate all the Hebrew male children. Being ever so alert Moses’ mom placed her child in a basket and floated it down the river where it was discovered by none other than Pharaoh’s little daughter. She was so smitten with the little child she decided to adopt him as her own. The next thing you knew he was the Prince of Egypt, or at least Co-prince of Egypt because his evil half brother Ramses II wanted to be the next Pharaoh too.

“Yes,” I thought, “I remember a lot of this from Passover, from that illustrated Haggadah with the scary angel in it.” Then something altogether different happened—it was quite unexpected. A new character was introduced, one I had never read about. Leaning out over an archway in a tight blue dress, blinking eyelashes at least two inches long, was the enchanting Queen Nefertiri.

At that moment I felt a strange sensation in my eight-year-old frame. A little bolt of electricity ran from my head to my feet, my fingers tingled. I shrugged it off and threw down another handful of raisinettes followed by a gulp of Coke.

An hour into the movie and no big action scenes yet, we were all getting a little antsy. Thoughts of rude noises ran through our collective brains. Especially since they kept saying, “So let it be written, so let it be done,” over and over again. To make things even harder there was a semi-romantic scene between Queen Nefertiri and Moses. She told Moses in a sensuous voice that she wanted to be his queen. It was at parts like this that one or two or perhaps all three of us would make a journey to the concession counter. Tony and Izzy gave me the nod, meaning let’s get more candy. “That’s OK, I’ll stay here. Just get me another Coke.”

Tony went on a tirade that I had to give him money now because he didn’t have that much on him, and then someone in the row behind was yelling for us to shut the hell up and Tony flicked him off and said something about his mother and he flicked Tony off and so on.

I didn’t tell my friends why I stayed; I stayed because that buzz was back. This time the tingle went from the bottom of my neck down through the front of my body. It wasn’t Charlton Heston as Moses that was causing this new emotional response. It was Queen Nefertiri. That tight dress, the cool stuff on her head, her sultry voice as she said “Mo.....ses......Mo...ses.”

At this point in my life I had not the faintest idea what sex, lust, or passion was. I had no idea where babies came from and what’s more I didn’t want to know. I had a feeling that the explanation was very disturbing. Every so often I’d hear grownups talk about people sleeping together. What did that mean? I reached the conclusion that sleeping together meant that you stayed up late with someone you liked and had milk and cookies and watched TV.

It was now the second scene between Moses and Queen Nefertiri. Moses had decided to get back to his roots and was currently working in the mud pits with his tribe. Nefertiri showed up with her entourage, pointed to Moses and said, “Take this man to my royal barge.” My heart was beating faster again, little electric rockets were launching all over my body. Funny, I didn’t remember this part from the Passover meal. I started to wonder if the little guy at the beginning of the film really knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t care.

So there they were floating down the Nile, he was all muddy and she had on an ultra-tight blue dress. I was licking my lips as I realized now (although I couldn’t label it then) that I was experiencing my first titillation. I wanted to be in my pajamas and sit up and have milk and cookies with Queen Nefertiri, except I didn’t want her to wear pajamas, I wanted her to be in that dress. Tony and Izzy were looking at me funny.

“You like this part?” Tony said, gazing at me like I was the creature from another planet.

“No man, no, this part’s boring,” I quickly lied.

“Yeah, right,” Tony replied. (Tony was a little further along about sex then I was. He was Catholic and came from a family of eight kids so I guess he had it figured out.) “Oh, I know,” Tony said, “you got the hots for her. She’s not bad but I’m waiting for the action parts, when’s the part with the Red Sea going to happen?”

I then looked at Tony de Marco. I liked Tony, he was a cool guy, but I didn’t feel the same when I looked at Tony as when I looked at Queen Nefertiri. The same was true for Izzy.

It was this second encounter between the Queen and Moses that sent me over the top. She had first met Moses as a prince and now he was a slave. But she still loved him, she offered him a deal, she would soften the Pharaoh’s heart to let the Hebrew children go if he agreed to do the milk and cookies thing with her. It was then she said my favorite line of the movie: “Mo...ses....Mo...ses, worship whatever gods you please so long as I can worship you.”

She then told him that if he became Prince of Egypt again, he would be in a position to free the Hebrew people; it was as simple as that. “Oh, this is great,” I thought. “Now the little Egyptian children don’t have to be smitten by an angry God. This is a win-win situation.” I was cheering Moses on. “No,” says Moses, “I must serve my God. I saw the burning bush. I must take the Hebrew children to the Promised Land.”

What! I nearly choked on my malt ball. What was Moses thinking? How did he know this wasn’t Yahweh’s Plan B? The plan where nobody gets hurt. OK, so he married that little goat herder girl in the land of Median. What’s wrong with fooling around a little bit for the greater good? He wasn’t even really Jewish yet and already he had guilt?

Perhaps if the Almighty could have gazed at Anne Baxter in that blue dress he might have understood. To bad all of this didn’t happen in Greece. Last year Izzy and I saw a movie about this Greek guy named Ulysses trying to find his way home. There was a different God for every situation in that movie. I’m sure at least one of them could have inspired Moses to consider Queen Nefertiri’s proposition. That’s a problem with one God, not a lot of wiggle room.

So Moses turned down the queen’s offer and the plagues were on. The Angel of Death showed up, the Egyptian children died. Finally Pharaoh let the Hebrew people go. Then Pharaoh did an about-face. I guess losing his firstborn pissed him off, and we were off to the big Red Sea part. Tony and Izzy were poking me in the ribs again, “Hey, man, this is the really good part.” They were jumping up and down in their seats. It was all lost on me; I was still reveling in my first infatuation.

So the Hebrew children crossed over, but their troubles didn’t stop there. And after a golden bull and a big party, it was a forty-year trek through the wilderness before they reached Canaan.

That’s where Moses really got the worst part of the deal. He didn’t even get to cross the Jordan. He spent the rest of his days up on Mount Nebo probably thinking about that woman he left behind in Goshen. Izzy, Tony, and I discussed our favorite parts on the subway going downtown. We all agreed that Yul Brynner looked a lot tougher than Moses, and had it come down to it he would have kicked Moses’ ass. Oh yes, the Red Sea and the pillar of flame and the golden bull were spectacular. However, my mind was fixed on Moses’ refusal of Ann Baxter’s proposition with the added bonus of letting all the children live. Such a shame I thought.

Had they been able to work it out, the Egyptian children would have been spared and Moses and Queen Nefertiti could have munched on milk and cookies as they floated down the Nile and into the sunset on her royal barge.

The Cake, The Cake

I can’t tell you where it’s going, I can’t tell you whom it’s for. I’ll tell you this: It’s a cake, a three-tiered creation with beautifully crafted designs on each level. It’s for a special birthday, for an incredible person, but you’ll just have to take the call to find out. It wouldn’t be fun if I told you. Just have your cab radio on and be in the vicinity of 3rd Avenue and St. Mark’s Place around 7:30 for a pickup, OK? And don’t ask where it’s going, just take the call.

Thus spoke my friend Steve, who was currently baking healthy desserts each evening at the Ananda East Bakery a few blocks south off St. Mark’s Place in the East Village.

He knew I drove a cab at night and that the company I drove for had a two-way radio system, thus enabling a driver to pick up fares that were phoned in. “Just believe me, it will be a gas, a certain group of people will truly envy you,” Steve said to me that morning on the phone. He went on, “I know that the Ananda East Bakery has an account with your cab company and they’re going to call it in around 7:30, so just be near St. Mark’s Place, OK?”

I then asked Steve, “Why don’t I just come into the bakery and pick up the cake before you need to call it in?”

“Oh no, no, you can’t do that, it’s a secret. The whole thing is a secret and a surprise, so no one outside the bakery is allowed to know.”

On the evening of August 1, 1970, I made sure that my body and my cab were as one and at St. Mark’s Place and 2nd Avenue at 7:15. The call actually came early. “We need a cab to take a birthday cake from the Ananda East Bakery over to Ding Batz Bar in Brooklyn.” I hesitated as I reached for the receiver. Ding Batz was a biker bar all the way out in Bay Ridge. Unless I was willing to work the clubs (and it was still on the early side), I’d have to deadhead it back to the city. Recalling Steve’s excitement inspired me to pull down the hammer on the radio and take the call. The folks at the bakery were amazed that I was just around the corner. As fate would have it, it was my friend Steve who handed me the cake at the counter. The cake was all wrapped up in a box that was well over three feet high.

“Hi man,” I said to my friend, pretending I had never seen him before. “Hey, who’s the lucky person to receive this?”

Steve smiled and replied, “You’ll find out when you get to Ding Batz.” They gave me a twenty, which was generous as the fare was to be somewhere between ten and twelve dollars, and I was not intending to throw the clock with a cake sitting on the front seat. Steve gave me a wink when I picked up the cake.

As I was exiting the bakery a very tall man with a long gray beard escorted me to my cab. He was the head baker and the creator of tonight’s special dessert and wanted to make sure his masterpiece was as safe as possible for the journey across the water to Bay Ridge. He walked step by step with me until I reached the door of the cab. I opened the door, and we both carefully placed the cake between the front seat and the dash; it seemed very secure in that spot. As I was about to take off, the baker, who went by the name of Leon, leaned his tall and thin body though the passenger side window and gave me what could only be described as a short but somewhat spiritual “pep talk.”

“Remember, man, keep away from potholes, try not to turn too quickly, don’t run any red lights, and think positive thoughts about the cake and about everything, you dig what I’m saying to you?” He then nodded his head up and down until I nodded my head back and made eye contact. Making eye contact with Leon was easy as his were as wide as saucers. There was little doubt that Leon was (as they say in Ireland) “with the fairies.”

He took a breath and said, “Now brother, listen to me, man, you’re listening to me, right?”

I widened my eyes as best as I could and replied, “Yes Leon, I’m with you, man, I’m right here sitting in this cab listening to you.”

Leon continued, “When you’re stopped at a red light, take the time to, you know, look at the cake and send some good energy to it, love the cake, brother, love the cake, you dig? That cake is like my child; I worked two days on this beautiful confection and as I did I put as much love into it as possible, so please continue the love, OK? It’s got cardamom icing on it man what other cake ever created had cardamom icing on it? Oh, and another thing, don’t ‘beep, beep’ on your horn as it might send negative vibrations into the cake.

“Yes, Leon,” I replied. “I will love this cake right up to the moment I present it to this mystery birthday boy, I promise.”

Leon was now nodding my way in a very affirmative manner. “One last thing, brother, one last thing, then I let you start on your journey with my cake. What sign are you?”

“Aries with Leo rising,” I quickly replied.

Leon then smiled and said, “Yeah, me too, good thing you’re delivering the cake tonight because around midnight or so your Mars goes into retrograde and I’d never let anyone with an angry planet drive my cake to Brooklyn, you dig what I’m saying, man?” I nodded in the affirmative, and as I turned the key in the ignition, I thought it best not to tell Leon that I had a Gemini moon.

Leon reached into his breast pocket and handed me a joint. “Here’s for the ride, brother, happy trails, and keep that cake from moving around, OK?”

“I’m with you, Leon,” I replied as I gingerly placed the joint in my shirt pocket. I then rolled on through the Brooklyn-Battery Tunnel enjoying Leon’s gift as ships and the sea life of the East River floated gently above the cab, the cake, and me.

By the time my tires were rolling through Brooklyn, I was in a happy and elevated state. However, I soon became quite obsessed about the identity of this special birthday boy. As the cab and I rolled up 4th Avenue, I began to reflect—what kind of person would celebrate the day of his birth in a biker bar in Bay Ridge? A big important member of Hell’s Angels, perhaps Sonny Barger, who is the most hellish of the Hell’s Angels? No, no, a biker is not going to order a cake from the Ananda East Bakery, where they use all natural and organic ingredients and exotic spices like cardamom. No, this has to be some guy who is kind of a hippie and likes to hang out with bikers. Perhaps he’s a famous writer, Tom Wolfe or maybe Kurt Vonnegut. No, I bet he’s not a writer, maybe some off-beat hip movie star like Peter Fonda. Yes, he did Easy Rider and that was about motorcycles.

I then thought what a dumb move it was for Leon to give me that joint. I’m all alone in the cab, I’m high, I’m getting the munchies, and there are three feet of sweets gently rocking back in the passenger seat.

Perhaps, just perhaps, I’ll pull over and check this out and maybe, just maybe, put a little of that cardamom cream icing on my finger. How would anyone out at Ding Batz even notice a wee bit of missing icing? But then again they might, and a little bit of sweet is surely not worth a broken nose. However, I could see that the box was easy to open, so why didn’t I just pull over, I thought, and take a quick gander at this prized dessert?

Three blocks later I ever so gently pull into a gas station. I locked the cab and went to the men’s room and washed my hands until they were really clean, as I didn't want to leave any dirt on the box, especially on the inside.

I then returned to my cab, opened the passenger side door, and carefully unfolded the top of the box. I was parked under a bright light, and I could easily see the two top layers. It was absolutely stunning, and on each level were beautifully crafted roses, skulls, and teddy bears, and on the top it read “Happy Birthday Jerry.”

I had an instant satori moment right there in a gas station on 4th Avenue and 76th Street in Brooklyn. Steve was right, this was a major deal, and I was to deliver Jerry Garcia’s birthday cake to the man himself.

At this moment in time there were over 8 million people in the Big Apple, and on this tropical August night I was the chosen. Sensing my immense responsibility, I neatly closed the box and drove to Ding Batz.

There were Angels and Harleys everywhere as the cake and I gently traversed our way through the smoky sea of leather and chrome. I entered Ding Batz and announced that I had to deliver this directly to the birthday boy. I was led through more large men wearing leather until I was placed in front of Jerry’s table. They were all smoking joints and throwing back whiskey, and they all smiled when they saw the cake bearer arrive.

“Take it out and put it on the table, my man.” And I (with a little help from two large tattooed individuals) did just that. It was a one of a kind. Multicolored, multidimensional, and in three crafted levels. Leon was truly an artist.

Jerry and his friends were so loaded that they gave me the credit for creating the cake and they all just kept saying, “Out of sight, oh man, it looks too good to eat. Wow, out of sight, man, you know, oh man...”

I took it in and replied, “Oh well, you know, I’m just doing what I can for the universe, you know, wow, I’m so glad you like it. Wow, OK, out of sight, yes.”

It was quite dark and noisy in the back of the bar, and faces seemed to appear and disappear within all the smoke. I was so high and excited that I really couldn’t tell exactly which woolly-headed, bearded individual was Jerry Garcia, but I soon realized he was the one directly in front of me, the one with only four fingers on his right hand wearing a ratty black T-shirt with a pocket.

I soon caught the vibe that it was time for me to make an exit, but before I did Jerry smiled and said, “Hey, man, if we ever run into each other again, just say ‘The cake, the cake,’ OK, you know what I mean? Remember man, ‘The cake, the cake.’”

I nodded and I kept nodding as they stuffed a twenty and a few joints in my breast pocket and said, “See you later,” and off I went driving back into heart of Gotham, with “The cake, the cake” echoing in every ounce of my being.

Two years later I was in attendance at the first Rainbow Gathering in Granby, Colorado, where it snowed on the Fourth of July. We were eating granola, chanting, smoking, flipping out, flipping in, and flipping every which way we could. We all ate together, pooped together, swam together, and all got sick together. Seeing as how we had the runs and were throwing up a lot (although we all knew deep down inside we were healing) my friends and I decided to make an early exit.

We got up at 5:00 am on the last morning and hiked down the mountain to my little blue Volkswagen. Two miles outside of Granby, Colorado, we ran out of gas. It was 6:00 am, and four very dilapidated hippies were stranded in a blue 1963 Volkswagen on a very deserted stretch of road. We lifted up the hood to let any possible passing cars know we needed help. I had a gas can to point at as well, to let our hoped-for rescuer know just what type of aid we needed.

Fifteen frozen minutes later we saw a big white VW van ambling its way down the road. VW vans did very poorly in high altitudes, and this old clunker was going very, very slow. As it approached, we all started jumping up and down and yelling, “Gas, hey man, we’re out of gas.” And just to make sure the driver knew, we all pointed to the gas can. The van drew closer and we all became silent. Driving the van was a young girl who looked like she’d just stepped out of an R. Crumb comic. She must have been sixteen, with big woven braids, freckles, and a mouth full of braces, and sitting next to her, smoking a number was, yes, Jerry Garcia. I told all my friends to be quiet as I had this one in the bag.

As the van drew closer, Jerry rolled down the window, but the car didn’t slow down. “Don’t worry,” I told my friends. “I know just what to say.” I waited until the van was just about passing us and I yelled in a most audible fashion, “Jerry...the cake...the cake...the cake...the cake.” He smiled and flashed a peace sign and rolled on down the road.

A few cars later we were given enough gas to make it to Granby. We pulled into the parking lot and sure enough, I once again ran into Jerry Garcia. I made eye contact and said, “Jerry, didn’t you see us stranded by the side of the road a few miles back?”

“Yeah,” Jerry replied, “you guys were shouting something about a cake. I thought you might be a little dangerous or just too stoned to stop for.”

“Oh, no,” I replied, “I was the guy who brought your birthday cake to Ding Batz Bar in Brooklyn three years ago. Remember, man, ‘the cake, the cake’?”

After a few seconds of silence he replied, “I don’t think I’ve ever been to any place called Ding Batz. Hey man, I got to split, stay loose.”

As rock icon Jerry Garcia disappeared into a throng of devotees, I envisioned myself back in that gas station in Bay Ridge slowly eating all the skull rosettes and teddy bears off Jerry’s cake and enjoying every minute of it. “Someday,” I thought, “he’ll remember, and if not, I can always remember for him.”